Crazy Moments in DADA
by Minerva McGonagall Rox
Summary: A collection of things that didn't happen in Defense class at Hogwarts, but which I think would have been funny. Contains Paper airplanes, Ravenclaws, & Snape-embarassment. Read, Laugh, review. Repeat as necessary. Rating for safety.
1. Year 1: Turbans

Crazy Moments in DADA

Crazy Moments in DADA

Disclaimer: Not mine. JKR's. Don't sue me. Over and out.

AN: This is a collection of crazy things that didn't happen in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but would have been funny. I was going to just do one for Fifth year, but it somehow got expanded into a series. Now there is going to be one for each year, which might take a while. On to the story now.

First one:

The scene: Quirrel is walking into his classroom for his first class of the day, third year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws.

"Everybody s-s-sit down! Quiet p-please!" Quirell called, stuttering.

The class sat down, shutting up.

"Now, everyone g-get out s-some p-p-parchment," Quirrel instructed. "T-today we w-will discuss—"

At this point, Fred raised his hand.

"Y-yes? W-w-what is it?" Said Quirrel impatiently.

Fred asked, "Where did you get the turban?"

"W-well, it was g-given to me—" Quirrel made an attempt to respond, but was cut off almost immediately by George.

"What for?" He queried.

Fred broke in with, "What's it made of?"

"Why does it smell like garlic?" Continued George.

By this time the class was laughing and Quirrel was confused.

Fred folded his parchment into a paper airplane and threw it at Quirrel's turban. The turban popped clean off his head.

George called, "Great shot Fred!"

Then Voldy woke up.

Voldy yelled, "I was asleep, fool! Put the turban back on and be quiet!"

"Uh…" Mumbled Quirell. Before he could think of something to say, the twins started up again, this time finishing each other's sentences.

Fred: "Professor, the back of your head—"

"Just talked."

"Thought you might want to—"

"Know so you could—"

"Seek medical attention because—"

"That's not normal."

Fortunately for the students, as most of them were close to passing out from laughter, Kenneth Towler walked in. "You calling someone abnormal?" He said. "That's a laugh."

In a mock-offended voice, Fred quipped: "At least we had the forethought to have only one voice per head."

"Much more sensible," George continued.

Kenneth, confused, turned to Quirrel. "Professor Quirrel," he said, "Professor McGonagall needs you in the staff room."

Quirrel, who had been standing in shock for the past few minutes, jammed his turban back on hastily, saying "Good. Read chapter one in your textbook. Class dismissed!" With that, he ran out.

Muffled voice from Quirrel's head mumbled, "Oww…"

Fortunately for Quirrell, and unfortunately for everyone else, nobody reported the odd occurrence. The eventual consensus was that there had been a spell on the paper airplane that had caused the effect, and the twins never bothered to deny the rumor. Anything that got them fame without getting them detention was a good thing, and stopping the Hogwarts Rumor Mill was an exercise in futility.

AN: Thanks so much to all you people who reviewed Fettuccini Alfredo: xTamikax, The Wandering Star, Roses of Sharon, Siriusly klutzy, RandomnessAndTea, Sorrybut, Lady Knight Keladry, GoldenWolf88, Beefcake the Mightly, Mischief7, and PolkaDotFeathers! Thanks and spaghetti for all of you!

AN: So, what do you think? Please review! If I think even one person cares, I'll update. Flames will be used to heat my house this winter. Coming up next,... Lockhart!


	2. Year 2: Gossipy Ravenclaws

Chapter 2: Gossipy Ravenclaws

Chapter 2: Gossipy Ravenclaws

Thank you for waiting so long for this chapter, I was out of the country and then buried in homework. This is not so much a What-Might-Have-Happened as a different point of view on Lockhart's idiocy coming from those Short-On-Screen-Time experts, the Ravenclaws.

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. JKR has it all, including the rights to the series.

The scene: September second, 1992. Gilderoy Lockhart is about to start teaching his first class of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. More specifically, the seventh years. Right now, he has yet to enter the room, but the Ravenclaws have just come in.

Theresa Richards, gossip Queen, liked to shock others, but today she was about to do so unintentionally by saying to her fellow Ravenclaws, "Today, we sit in the back."

Alex Garret was understandably confused. "Why not the front?" she queried. "We _always _sit in the front."

Theresa grinned and answered, "If you really want to."

Carmen Watts, showing typical Ravenclaw perception, asked, "What aren't you telling us?"

Alex was quick to respond with "Oh, something she heard through the grapevine no doubt. I wonder where the professor is."

Theresa said, "Well, that's the thing. I heard he's hideously incompetent and a narcissist to boot."

Carmen replied, "Says who?"

Theresa answered immediately, "Leanne Edwards."

"She hasn't had him yet! How would she know?"

"She heard it from Anita Helens, who had him yesterday. They are both trustworthy."

Alex understood Theresa's point. Leanne was an honest girl, and Anita, though only a sixth year, had provided awesome info on what happened to professor Collins in 1989, among other things. "Fine by me," she interjected. "Let's sit down."

All the Ravenclaws sat down, far to the back. The Hufflepuffs walked in and sat in front of them. Five minutes later, Lockhart showed up.

"Hello, class!" he chirruped. "I see you have all my books, good for you. I think we will just start off today with a litle quiz, to see how well you know my work. The Hufflepuffs all groaned. The Ravenclaws were thinking various forms of, _He does move fast, and that's good. I hope the quiz is more well-written than his books, though._

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After the quiz:

"All right then," Lockhart announced. "Pass your quizzes up front and I will mark them. If more than half of you get full marks, I will hand out signed autographs to everyone."

"He is the most self-absorbed teacher I have ever had. Imagine giving such a long test on yourself on the first day of class!" Alex whispered to Carmen.

"Too right," Carmen whispered back. "I just hope he knows the subject. If he does he'll be better than last year's teacher, though that isn't saying much.

Theresa leaned over, muttering, "I told you. He doesn't know anything. Look, I'll show you." She raised her hand, at the same time calling, "Professor? I have a question."

Lockhart's head snapped up. "Yes, miss…?"

"Richards, Professor." Theresa informed him. "I was wondering if you could tell me, on what continents do ghouls generally live? It would help me to understand your book on them."

Lockhart looked nervous. "Err, just Europe."

Carmen giggled. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Alex, but don't ghouls live predominantly in Asia and South America?" she whispered.

"As a matter of fact, they do!" Alex responded. She giggled loudly.

Harold Anderson, a Hufflepuff in the next row up, asked, "What's so funny?"

Carmen told him, saying, "He answered the question wrong. Ghouls are more common in Asia and South America—though there are a few in Europe."

Harold was shocked. "Seriously? I think you may be right, but…"

Alex confirmed his suspicions. "We learned it last year. Look it up." She handed him last year's textbook, which she had kept in her bag in case she needed to review the old work.

Harold looked it up. "Ugh," he groaned. "You're right, the professor really _is_ a moron. No wonder you guys all sat in the back."

"I am done with your quizzes," Lockhart announced. "I will now pass them back. Unfortunately, none of you got a perfect. The best score was an eighty-five percent."

"That seems rather low for you guys," said Harold.

Carmen responded with, "I don't think anybody read those books very thoroughly. They are not very well-written, either as novels or as textbooks."

"How they made the best-seller list is beyond me," Alex added.

Harold chimed in with, "Personally, I don't foresee myself caring deeply about his classes this year."

Theresa decided this conversation had gone too long without her input. "Oh, are you a _seer,_ Harold?" she asked sarcastically.

Harold said "Yes," with equal sarcasm. He then began mimicking Trelawney's phony prophesy voice: "I see… Lockhart… forgetting what little he knows…and having to leave the school."

Theresa rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because Defense teachers _always_ have to leave the school." Then the bell rang, interrupting the conversation.

"Thank goodness," said Carmen.

"For the bell, or the teacher turnover?" asked Alex.

"Both," answered Carmen. "I want to get to Arithmancy, so I'm glad about the bell. As for the teachers, maybe one day all the incompetent teachers will have gone and our great-great-grandchildren will get a good one by process of elimination."

Theresa said, "That would be a good thing. Don't think it's going to happen soon, though."

AN: Sorry for the huge pile of OCs. One character on here (besides Lockhart) has a first name from canon. If you think you know, tell me in a review. Speaking of which… Review and I'll give you a Virtual Reality candy of your choice. Also, I know that Lockhart managed to fool pretty much everybody, but I'd like to think **somebody** might have figured it out and passed on the message.


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